A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
by Obsessed Lass
Summary: Woefully short snippets starring Fish-Eyes and the Ice Queen.
1. Afterglow

_**Afterglow**_

Summary: Their 'after' is just as expected.

 _A.N: Grr! The umpteenth HachiYuki story! Pandering to the plebs! Artistically impoverished! Yeah, I know._

*

In philosophy, there's a principle called Occam's Razor which states that the correct answer to a question tends to be the simplest one. Wet tarmac indicates the event of rain. My cute little kohai's innocent demeanor indicates Machiavellian machinations in play. The picture of two people lying under the covers indicates previous or possible occurrence of coital activity.

The latter is also a terrible cliche that the unimaginative deities of romcom delight in engineering all too often, hence one I would vehemently oppose by principle.

As it happens, it's precisely why I am lying naked beside an equally naked Yukinoshita on her bed.

 _Et tu, Hikigaya Hachiman._

Life is like that, upending your convictions with cheery wantonness. Like a sadistic kid you have no control over. You inevitably capitulate to tyrannical forces, be it orange haired ogres or vengeful gods of romantic comedies.

"I understand that our exertions have made you more dim witted than usual, Hikigaya-kun, but your expression for the last ten minutes rather troublingly resembles the aftermath of a lobotomy. I didn't think it was possible for you to look even more idiotic, but I stand corrected. I'd hate to destroy your congenitally endangered braincells."

I turn my head to find Yukinoshita wearing her usual haughty expression. Huh. She regained her bearings quite fast. Last I remembered, she herself looked as if in a blissful narcotic daze.

"You were hardly articulate yourself, unless those sounds erupting from your throat actually constituted an arcane language," I shoot back.

Her eyes sparkle.

"Don't flatter yourself, Hikigaya-kun. Those were purely physiological responses. I assure you those could have been elicited by anybody else just as well, including myself."

Oi, oi. I performed well considering I had no previous experience. Though watching Yukinoshita pleasure herself wouldn't be an unpleasant prospect. Not at all.

"You sure know the way to a man's heart," I grumble to distract myself. Doing the deed has abruptly caused my formerly monochromatic imagination to burst into full colour. Exaggerations apparently fail once you savour the genuine thing. Poor otakus. Slavering over melons when apples tasted infinitely sweeter.

"You should feel relieved, Hikigaya-kun. You can now add gigolo to your pathetically meagre repertoire."

So much for tender pillow talk.

I close my eyes and try not to imagine Yukinoshita engaged in autoerotic activities...

Dammit. It's a lost cause.

My fantasies are interrupted after a little while.

"How would you like to refine your shoddy techniques, Hikigaya-kun?" Yukinoshita's voice is uncannily hesitant.

I comply with alacrity.

*

 _p.s. Inspired by the penultimate chapter of **isko's** **SNAF U**. While I generally skim through lemons, this one felt incredibly genuine, to use someone's cherished word. I could actually visualize it this time. The author has pictured their tryst the way it would most likely transpire given their eccentricities. It's fucking perfect, people. I snort everytime I picture a topless Yukinoshita getting disgusted by Hachiman's drooling face:D_

 _On a more serious note, what's up with the pervasive breast-fetish in anime/manga culture? Ironic awareness is well and fine, but it would only take one so far. A subculture is one thing; getting a general audience inured to it is troublesome. I'm no SJW, but it grates on my nerves nonetheless. Okay. I will stop whining now._


	2. Hard Candy

_**Hard Candy**_

 _Summary: Yukinoshita does sinful things with her mouth, as expected._

*

"Yukinoshita..." To my absolute mortification, my voice had come out hoarse with that dangerous sentiment that inevitably leads to the total ruin of staunchly commited loners like me... desire. I could only hope that she wouldn't notice, distracted as she was, her mouth full of tumescent purple hardness.

One that I had unsuspectingly unwrapped thinking the room to be empty before being caught in the act, thanks to the feline-like noiseless arrival of the one and only Ice Queen. I swear, one of these days she's going to grow a tail. Not that it would change anything. Cats are just as condescending as Yukinoshita Yukino. Is that why she's so terribly fond of them?

"What rotten thing do we have here, Hikigaya-kun?" Patronizing as always.

Now I'm usually levelheaded in moments of crisis. Being a recluse gives you the privilege of ruminating over possible catastrophes and designing suitable counter-strategies. But unfortunately, I had failed to anticipate the possibility of getting caught while doing something so flagrantly uncharacteristic on my part. My carefully cultivated persona faced imminent annihilation unless I did something drastic.

And drastic I did.

"Would you like to try it?", the treacherous words had escaped my mouth even as I held the incriminating evidence in my sticky fingers. As I uttered those condemning words, I readied myself for the inevitable reprisal. I could take it. A lifetime of embarrassments had prepared me for this.

Apparently it had not been enough to see her actually lick her lips in anticipation.

It was definitely not equipped to watch her wordlessly take the offending item out my hands and put it in her mouth, her expression unnervingly childlike.

Normally, I would have been delighted to watch Yukinoshita indulging in the glorious gastronomic experience that is eating a lollipop, but my mind was going haywire over the implications of such an anomalous situation.

Since when did Yukinoshita succumb so easily to temptation? Even more importantly, how could she just pass up an opportunity to insult my habitually battered intelligence?

I had barely gotten over my shock when she started making those tantalizing sounds. Unnecessarily prolonged sucking noises that had no right to sound so-- so fucking erotic.

I felt my blood rush to all the wrong places.

Getting turned on by the sight of a girl eating a lollipop. Brava, Hikigaya Hachiman. You certainly make the romcom gods proud. What's next? Me kissing away the syrup staining her luscious lips?

Her name reflexively rolled off my parched tongue in a throaty moan.

 _Shitshitshit._

Terrified, I held my breath.

Yukinoshita went on sucking the dastardly piece of confectionery as if there were no tomorrow, oblivious to my shameful articulation of her name.

God be praised for the tiny mercies.

I endured the rest of the unintended torture with my lips pressed together in a superhuman act of will. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought that the all too brief gleam in those beautiful eyes was one of mischief.

*

 _p.s. So Hikki has a sweet tooth. Plum-flavoured lollies with a generous amount of filling. Why, what did you think?_


	3. Imaginary Things

_**Imaginary Things**_

 _Summary: 'Love' turns out to be a principle of anarchy, as expected._

*

Love is blind. Love is kind. What a nauseating bunch of romcom crap. I wonder if the golden hearted hime-samas could have lovingly endured a warty toad or a hideous beast throughout their lives. Love makes you kind? _Yeah, right_. Love is just an acceptable brand of selfishness, like cats. To think that you love someone is the best kind of self-gratification that there is. Nobody loves anyone just as they are, dead fish-eyes and all. It's _ideas_ people fall in love with. When the inevitable disillusionment comes, "pop" goes all love.

Nobody understands that when it really comes down to it, all love is _Platonic_. Ah. The irony.

Now that Yuigahama and Tobe are prancing around all the time like a couple of labra-doodles, all perky ears and wagging tails, the ambience of the club room has changed all too perceptibly. Funnily enough, even though it isn't the way it was after I turned down Yuigahama, it's just as disconcerting. Yukinoshita's comebacks now feel a bit forced. The controlled jubilance about her insults I find so masochistically endearing, is gone somehow .

Perhaps the choreography has suffered because the cute pacifist our group is missing.

I wonder if Yukinoshita now resents me for a different reason altogether.

Whatever it is, it feels different. Hikigaya Hachiman hates different. Yuigahama's offer was not acceptable precisely because of this: it would have irrevocably altered the status quo. But what I failed to understand then was that things had already changed. There was no right answer to Yuigahama's question. Ugh. It's always the nice ones who ruin things.

Yuigahama pops in the clubroom once in a while these days, with Tobe in tow. What are they, Siamese twins? But she seems genuinely happy. That's something I guess, after I had hurt her with the best of intentions.

One day after the exuberant couple bounce away, I sigh with relief. Their enthusiasm is grating. I wonder what it's like, when life feels like a giant trampoline. _Hmm_. Yuigahama on a trampoline would be quite a sight.

Yukinoshita, revitalized by her dear friend's visit, pounces with lethal grace.

"Regretting your rotten decision now, are you, Hikigaya-kun? Surely you didn't except someone like Yuigahama-san to keep pining for the rest of her life? It's pretty unfortunate, I suppose. You rejected possibly the only proposal you'd ever receive in your life. Of course, with your abysmally low levels of intelligence, that was expected. Worms shall really be trying your virginity*. Poor worms."

Wow. You repeatedly surpass yourself, woman.

"To the contrary. I was just thinking how ridiculous the idea of love is if it it can be transferred to someone else so easily."

"Ah. You are forgetting the most important variable in this equation, Hikigaya-kun. It's _you_ we are talking about. Given your generally rotten character, it's obvious Yuigahama-san focused her affections so soon on someone else. You are rather exceptional that way."

Way to cheer a person up, Yukinoshita. May you grace us all with your condescension for the rest of our miserable lives.

As time passes, things gradually fall into a routine. Yukinoshita's snarkiness slowly regains its original spontaneity. She even manages to coerce me into reading a 700 pages long pretentious piece of crap. To my great surprise, I slog through it. Just to prove her wrong about my "contra-evolutionary cognitive capabilities". Though it pretty much turns out the same in the end when she mocks my abominably inadequate powers of understanding when I argue that it's just self-congratulatory navel-gazing under the veneer of self-deprecation.

Some things you just can't win.

*

It's been a while now. Yuigahama is still with Tobe, who still calls me Hikitani. Perhaps they have found something genuine, after all. Who knows? As for Yukinoshita and I, we are alright. Our new group dynamics proved to be more successful than I had hoped for.

Don't get me wrong. I haven't had a revelation about love or something. As far as I'm concerned, it's still pretty much the same as the Loch Ness monster. Nessie. Messy. For something that is essentially an unspoken contract for maximal functionality, love brings far too many expectations and unnecessary headaches. Then as if shit isn't troublesome already, there's that dangerous virus called _Disney_.

All that being said, kissing Yukinoshita feels fucking fantastic, cliches and complications be damned.

*

 _p.s. Since I'm not gonna be writing something with any real depth in the foreseeable future, these facile renditions will have to do. * **sighs** *_

 _Yukinoshita's scathing comment about worms is an allusion to Andrew Marvell's fabulous poem **To** **His Coy Mistress**. In my humble opinion, look no further than poets like Donne, Neruda and Cummings for classy tips on seduction. "License my roving hands"? You bet. _


	4. Rebel With a Cause

_**Rebel with a Cause**_

 _Summary: Hikigaya Hachiman doesn't date Yukinoshita Yukino, as expected._

*

Have you ever wondered why the torn clothes of a destitute man are called "rags" while if some anorexic model wears something just as tattered, it becomes "haute couture"? One's art, the other's reality. The whole world rides on the Hypocritical Express.

The fraud begins no later than when you're a teenager. Welcome to the pecking order that's the rest of your life! There's socially sanctioned modes of being dysfunctional, like being a good looking bully. Then there's the punitive kind of dysfunctionality, like being a recluse. Apparently, having superficial friendships is really, really awesome. Like, the stuff dreams are made on. Why would I want to corrupt my humanity by shunning people?

Well. I'm really not looking forward to joining the zombie-army of riajuus with their unhealthy levels of functionality. Make lots of friends, graduate, get a job, get married, get pregnant/make someone pregnant, have an affair or two, then finally turn into fertilizer. Such a wonderful itinerary.

The _ubermensch_ is, necessarily, a solitary and misunderstood person. Like Sartre said, hell is other people. Or in this case, a bunch of pigs satisfied.

Since I am so principled a person, I naturally eschew all kinds of so-called functional behaviour. Including the idea of "dating", obviously. Of course, you must be thinking this is a classic case of sour grapes. But let me assure you it certainly is not. Only few days back Yukinoshita admitted she's not exactly averse to my company someplace other than the clubroom. Now, had I been your typical adolescent, I would have had an immediate volte face. Instead, I continue to hold steadfastly to my principles.

The _ubermensch_ must not succumb to the allure of herd-instincts.

So here I am, fraternising with Yukinoshita in the earthy, unromantic environment of a petting zoo, without the unnecessary accompaniments of food and drinks and kitchy decor. The red spots on her cheeks are certainly not because of our close proximity. No, it's definitely the rabbit. Even someone like me is not immune to such dangerous radiations of kawaii.

Later, when she kisses me on the cheek, it's not because this has been a date. She can be very chivalrous, that's all. Like I said, we are not dating.

We visit the museum next, followed by a trip to the recently opened book cafe some ten kilometers away. Arguing with Yukinoshita about the prospective merits of reading Mishima is a nice experience. Unfortunately, there are certain things that I can't share with my adorable imoutou yet. I suppose Yukinoshita will have to do till then.

We share a sundae this time, because we are exhausted and there isn't enough money for two after our enthusiastic purchases.

Our weekly plans to rendezvous at the supermarket turn out to be needlessly troublesome when we chance upon Hiratsuka-sensei one day, who naturally mistakes it for a date. I try to explain that we merely like to shop together for the purposes of convenience and it has no romantic connotations whatever, but she just gives a condescending smirk. Poor, deluded sensei.

Yukinoshita and I aren't bothered by it, of course. We have already become used to such baseless insinuations. I like Yuigahama very much, but the not-at-all-secretive smiles she keeps flashing her "Yukinon" is getting a bit trying. Komachi is being her shameless, pandering self as usual. There is nothing to be done about it. Our species is congenitally wired to encourage such bondings since it ultimately leads to procreation, thus ensuring the continuation of our species. Evolution is too slow, if you ask me. But as I've mentioned, it doesn't matter when our liaisons are motivated by honourable, platonic intentions.

Yukinoshita comes by my place sometimes, under the pretext of lending me this or that book. I immediately see through her ruse, since we see each other everyday at school. Besides, she barely spares me a glance after the initial pleasantries are over.

A tiny part of me feels jealous of Kamakura.

Even if I had been "dating" Yukinoshita, it would have been ridiculous to have envied a feline. But we are obviously in no such relationship and such an irrational reaction on my part is all the more mortifying.

After a while, I decide it's because of my inherent egotism. Nothing out of the ordinary.

After a year's worth of outings to galleries, kabuki plays and used bookstores, I stay back at Yukinoshita's place one night since Komachi is supposed to be away at a sleepover. Besides, who said I couldn't have a sleepover?

With a girl. On her bed.

Umm--

Okay. So this was er- a conscious coupling.

But we are not dating, dammit!

*

 _p.s. I love Coldplay, but man that press statement about "conscious uncoupling" was way too self-congratulatory._

 _ **ubermensch***_ _\- the concept of "overman" envisioned by German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. This exemplary human being creates his own values in a world where "God is dead"._

 _ **Mishima*** \- Yukio Mishima, one of the greatest Japanese writers of the 20th century_.


	5. Nocturnal Dependencies

_**Nocturnal Dependencies**_

 _Summary: Hikigaya Hachiman finds himself sharing his conjugal bed with an unwelcome interloper._

*

I am sorely regretting "corrupting" Yukinoshita's chastity, as she put it. Though it was kind of mandatory after we agreed to be yoked together for a lifetime like a pair of bulls.

In my defense, she corrupted my innocence as much as I did hers. It was kind of fantastic actually, since we've been doing it on a regular basis since. Until now, that is.

"Is that really necessary?" I eye the offending giant taking up a large amount of space on my side of the bed.

"Don't be so selfish, Hachiman," Yukino levels me with an unimpressed look. "You have to stop thinking about your own rotten self all the time. Especially now, since you happen to be the perpetrator."

Perpetrator? Hell, woman, as far as I remember, we were accomplices! Co-conspirators! How is it that I'm the one being solely convicted?

Er...

Perhaps I should not use such typical words. Yu-chan certainly won't appreciate her daddy calling her a punishment.

"So?" Yukino was looking at me impatiently?

"How about I sleep on a futon?"

"Absolutely not."

"But I'll be right down here! "

"No."

"I really need to sleep, Yukino."

"Should have considered that before you had me looking like a manatee!"

I sigh miserably. Nobody tells you that the repercussions of getting your wife pregnant includes sharing your bed with an obscenely big Pan-san body pillow. Since Yukino insists we sleep together not only in the same room but also on the same bed, I practically spend my nights wriggling like crazy, vainly trying to adjust my body into a less intolerable position. Pan-san sleeps like royalty, of course, a Snorlax minus the rumbling.

When Yu-chan's born, Pan-san is going to die the protracted, gruesome death that is being Nyaa-sama III's scratch-toy.

*

 _p.s. Yu-chan's their daughter in my happy headcanon. Nyaa-sama III's the third in a line of imperious felines, obviously._

 _By the way, did I ever mention that your reviews leave me as rapturous as Yukino caressing a cuddly kitten?_


	6. Love Claus

**_Love Claus(£)_**

 _Summary: Hikigaya Hachiman contracts the Christmas spirit._

*

The curse of Yuletide is upon us all again.

Exaggerated merriment, hysterical shopping sprees, unapologetic massacre of trees: all in the name of love and joy and kindness and magic and ah... I forget the rest of the catalogue. First it was the Christian fathers. Mirthful saturnalia hijacked by the Saviour. Now it's His turn to be usurped. Do you know who Santa Claus really is? The avuncular persona of Mammon. But whatever. Jingle bells are busy jingling as I join the throng in pursuit of consumerist contentment.

In other words, I'm shopping.

My retina are getting bedazzled by a bewildering array of festive apparel and accessories. Why do people feel the need for overpriced sequined scraps during the holiday season? Didn't some wise guy say that beware of any enterprise that requires new clothes? When I voiced this sentiment to Komachi, all I got was a patronizing "Baka-nee!" Seriously. If some strapping punk in an Armani would have said this instead of Hikigaya Hachiman, people would have ate it up. But whatever. Riajuu is what riajuu wears.

So why am I here contrary to my convictions? Getting Christmas presents for impending awkward socialization involving too many pretty girls, obviously. Know what's worse than a pretty girl who doesn't exactly dislike you? There being more than one of them and all of them being apparently interested in you. Yes, somewhere along the line the great Hikigaya Hachiman has become the reluctant protagonist of a harem romcom.

So here I am shopping as a preemptive measure against expected assaults of a romantic kind. I'll suavely establish the fact that I see everyone the same. Well, almost everyone. One girl's kinda-sorta more equal than others. Maybe.

Hmm. Would a certain someone see in something as utilitarian as a scarf anything more than a univocal gesture of friendship? Perhaps not, considering I'm getting everyone a scarf.

Use those brains, Hikigaya. What woollen piece of clothing proclaims "I'm more than willing to be more than friends"?

"Fancy finding you here, Hikigaya-kun."

Uh-oh.

I reluctantly eye the predatory female watching me with thinly veiled glee.

"It's Christmas time, Haruno-san."

"So Hikigaya-kun finally got himself someone special. Could it be my dear imotou?"

 _Hell no_. I'm not telling you anything, woman.

"I've a little sister, in case you have forgotten." Yes, that's safe.

"Oh?" Haruno Yukinoshita gives a Chesire grin. "Planning to go the Roman way, are we? Though I can't really say that I didn't see something like this coming, it's still disappointing, Hikigaya-kun."

The fudge?

"I'm afraid I don't understand, Haruno-san," I reply stiffly.

She gives a coy smile.

"You hardly see men fishing for gifts in the jewellery aisle for their kawaii imotou. Of course, it's not very nice of me to presume such things. But you and I are well past bland niceties now, aren't we?"

Damn that Machiavelli of a woman!

"What can I say? Komachi is rather... exacting."

"Of course she is. Well, I'll be on my way then. Good luck finding the perfect gift for your _sister_ , Hikigaya-kun."

With characteristic wiliness, she slinks away.

I sigh in relief.

This shopping thing is turning out to be too much of an ordeal.

\--

As it happily turns out, even the Ice Queen thaws when it comes to Pan-san bracelets. Take that, Elsa! Who would have thought? Even Hikigaya Hachiman can woo a woman.

*

 _A.N: So this was supposed to be out on Christmas but, you know, the merry ways of procastination. Anyways, nothing says holiday season like half baked cookies and stories. Enjoy the bad after taste. And oh, wish you guys you-know-what. Hopefully this one will have more of little kindnesses and less of civilized barbarities. Don't forget to seize unto the fleeting spots of sunshine. Godspeed:3_


	7. Questionable Inclinations

**Questionable Inclinations**

 _Summary: Where Hikigaya Hachiman is caught red-handed reading something he shouldn't._

*

"What are you reading, Hachiman?"

 _Uh-oh_. Wasn't Yukino supposed to be present elsewhere for the next couple of hours? Unless the one eyeing me is one superbly executed Yuki-bot, manufactured for the edification of deviant individuals like yours truly.

I try to fashion my face into a nonchalant expression as Yukino stares at me, her poise belied by her blazing eyes.

Oh, man. I didn't want my sixth grade tragedy to be reenacted. Ever. Especially in the presence of Yukino.

Isn't there a law that says you can't be punished for the same offence twice? Double jeopardy or something? Or is it like the case of drug possession ? Doesn't matter if I've been already found guilty once for possessing inappropriate literature; there shall be another conviction. A bigger one this time, actually...

What the hell? I can't think like that. Not now.

Stay cool, man. It isn't that bad. You're not in the sixth grade anymore. You're a grown man, a bonafide householder, a respectable member of the society, a--

Yeah, right. As if I'd ever transform into a freaking raijuu.

"Er- you're home early." Thanks, tongue. That was really enlightening.

"Kudos for enunciating the obvious. In case you have suddenly developed hearing problems, allow me to repeat myself. What are you reading? Correct me if I'm wrong but didn't you have a manuscript to work on? One that could have no possible relation with your--," Yukino's forehead wrinkles dangerously, "--current research."

I contritely close my colourful book shut. It's no use pretending otherwise; the lovely illustrations on the cover unabashedly proclaim the nature of its contents.

"It's for, um, Yuu-chan. Yeah," I lamely reply.

"Really?" Yukino, bless her heart, looks amused now.

"Yeah. Er- you know how ideologically potent children's books could be these days. I don't want our precious daughter to be subliminally brainwashed into becoming, you know, an anarcha-capitalist or a neo-fascist. Just because her parents were complacent about her bedtime reading material."

Had Yukino been a lesser individual, she would have erupted into full blown laughter. Instead, she purses her lips, eyes shining with repressed mirth.

"Ah. I see. And what dangerous Pavlovian elements have you found in a children's book..." she takes the offending item out of my hands, skims through some pages, and quickly goes over the blurb before returning her attention to me, "... about five kids and a sand-fairy?"

"Umm- you see, uh--" I scramble my brains for some incriminating theory. "It, um, advocates an implicitly anthropocentric view of killing furry woodland creatures?"

"Yes...?", Yukino is grinning now. Maliciously. Ugh. I prefer the blank-with-righteous-anger Yuki-face. Have had lots more practice with that.

"There was apparently a time when, er- pterodactyls were preferred for breakfast."

"And pterodactyls come under the ambit of _furry woodland creatures_?"

Okay. That wasn't well thought-out.

"Not exactly... But if you really think about it, it's like saying dodos becoming extinct was inevitable and not an egregious consequence of unbridled human selfishness. It's an oblique endorsement of speciecism!"

Yukino finally lets out a giggle.

"The next time you want to procastinate, Hachiman, at least prepare excuses that are less preposterous. You're a writer, for kami's sake! One more thing, darling...", Yukino's tone suddenly becomes menacing, "I won't feel a scruple about throwing you to the dogs when you fail to submit your manuscript on time. Don't expect any favouritism just because you happen to be my husband."

She pokes my forehead.

"Ouch!"

To put it plainly, it sucks infinitely more when your wife is, quite literally, your boss. And I used to think I could slack off more than usual. Blithering Hiki-compoop!

*

Notes

 _Double jeopardy_ : A constitutional law which states that a person cannot be prosecuted for the same offence twice.

 _Anarcha-capitalist:_ Anarcho-capitalism is a political philosophy that takes the idea of individualism and turns it up to eleven. Eliminate the State so that filthy rich and infinitely greedy businessmen/women can happily fuck up the rest of the earth. Well, more than they already do.

 _Neo-fascist_ : Donald Trump. 'nuff said. Basically incarnations of lovely people like Hitler and Stalin.

 _Pavlovian_ : Theory of classical conditioning proposed by Russian scientist Ivan Pavlov. Give the dog a juicy slab of meat and ring the bell everytime you do so. Very soon, just the sound of the bell is enough to make Mr/Ms. Paws salivate. You associate two stimuli without being aware of it.

 _Anthropocentrism_ : Humans first, everything else! Rape the Earth? Why not? The world was created to fulfill our greed!

 _Pterodactyls_ : Not at all cuddly flying dinosaurs. Prehistoric ancestors of birds.

 _Speciesism_ : The lives of humans are, by default, more important than those of any other living beings.

 _Hiki-compoop_ : Play on the word "nincompoop" which is a quaint way of saying "idiot!"

*

p.s. Man those notes were a bitch to write! Stupid ffn app * _grrr*_ But I had to do it at the lovely behest of **RelentlessIdiot** , despite my incurable laziness! I really, really love you guys. You have no idea how your comments boost my faltering spirit...

Soooo Hikki is busy reading 'juvenile' fiction instead of worrying about deadlines. I imagine him as this ruthless writer mercilessly dissecting society with his sardonic wit. Someone like, say, Swift or Vonnegut. But Hikki, being Hikki, procastinates. And Yukinoshita owns a publishing house, obviously. Because there's nothing like knowledge to make an ugly world better. A conscientious public intellectual is an endangered species these days, ya know?

The Yuu-chan Hikki refers to is their little girl, in case you're wondering. Many thanks to **RalphZiggy** for shedding light on the nuances of Japanese names.

The snippet was partly influenced by one of the most intellectually and emotionally fulfilling HachiYuki stories I had the pleasure of reading here, **_Apple Not Far From the Tree_** by **Some** **Chinese Guy**. And by that most delightful of romcoms, **You've Got Mail!**

The book Hikki is caught reading is **Edith Nesbit's "Five Children and It** ", a delightful story about these kids who find a wish-granting sand-fairy who is really, really ancient. There's a delightful conversation in the first chapter that goes like this:

 _'Are Pterodactyls plentiful now?' the Sand-fairy went on._

The _children were unable to reply._

'What _do you have for breakfast?' the Fairy said impatiently, 'and who gives it you?_

 _'Eggs and bacon, and bread-and-milk, and porridge and things. Mother gives it us. What are Mega-what's-its-names and Ptero-what-do-you-call-thems? And does anyone have them for breakfast?_

 _'Why, almost everyone had Pterodactyl for breakfast in my time! Pterodactyls were something like crocodiles and something like birds - I believe they were very good grilled._

Hikki is grabbing at straws, of course. But who knows... Rarely any text is as innocent as it appears to be.

By the way, I was going through the first light novel and there was this flippant mention of Hikki having a porn stash in the sixth grade. Seriously??? That's disturbing. And tragic. Did he even have a childhood? Poor baby.

One last thing: to all those people who think that children's fiction is beneath you, kindly go fudge yourselves.


	8. Confessio amantis (01-24 08:09:53)

**_Confessio amantis_**

 _Summary: The much-dreaded visit with Mrs.Yukinoshita turns out to be unexpectedly gratifying._

"Do we really need to do this?" I find myself asking for the umpteenth time, drawing an annoyed expression from Yukinoshita.

"Try not to look so much like a frightened rabbit, Hikigaya-kun. It's pathetic."

I pull at my stiff collar, grumbling about how feudalistic the whole thing is. The rebellious princess offering her peasant suitor up for traumatic inspection. I know I should be putting up a macho performance right now, but with the great Ice-Queen herself looking so visibly perturbed, it's hard to calm down my nerves. She's been deferring this for a while, but I always knew that I'd have to confront the devil sooner or later.

You know you're in dire straits when you find yourself comforting with the thought that Haruno Yukinoshita is your kinda sorta ally She hasn't tried to sabotage our relationship. Well, yet.

As the car halts to a stop before the ornate doors, I shudder.

Mrs. Yukinoshita stands at the threshold looking like a hypercaffeineted Cerberus.

The meeting is as excruciating as I had imagined.

Mrs. Yukinoshita all but eviscerates me with her brand of courteous flagellation. She asks me if I'm aware of Yukino's aspirations and if I had the audacity to assume I wouldn't be a human-sized roadblock in her path. Not in these exact terms, but her politely arctic insinuations are much more dangerous than any straightforward denunciations.

"What are your career plans, Hikigaya-kun?

The words "house-husband" almost reflexively slide off my tongue when Yukinoshita quells me with a deathly glare.

"I - err- I'm interested in the service sector," I equivocate. It's surely not a blatant lie.

"Ah... Nobody can accuse you of being ambitious. It's a good thing, I suppose, for the staunchly mediocre. Very... _bourgeois_ , won't you agree?"

She gives a tinkling laugh.

I stare at her, petrified. To my great horror I realize that Yukinoshita doesn't even hold a candle to her Gorgon of a mother.

It just goes further down hill from there.

"Of all things you've done to spite me, Yukino! What could have possibly compelled you to enter into a relationship with such a-- such a nondescript individual?"

"You surpass yourself, Mother. Of course someone like you would assume something so nauseating."

The Yukinoshita women have apparently forgotten my presence for the time-being. Well, Haruno Yukinoshita spares me delighted glances in a while. She has barely a said a word of encouragement. I was a fool to think she would pass up such a wonderful opportunity to see me wriggle desperately under her mother's interrogation. The woman thrives on chaos.

And it's chaotic as hell, even if there are only two fiery warriors on the battlefield.

"Then enlighten me, daughter. What do you see in this young man? He has neither the right pedigree nor a countenance that could be deemed attractive in any conceivable aspect. What am I supposed to think? Tell me! Isn't this obvious? You're foolishly acting up! And this is going to have consequences your petulant little self can't possibly imagine. What if he puts you in a position you can't extricate yourself without emotional scarring of the worst kind?"

I have been sitting quietly for a while, stoically taking the insults aimed at my general existence, but this... this stuns me. Did she just said what I think? Is that what she actually thinks of me? That I'm so despicable? That I'll deliberately get Yukinoshita pr--

"Enough, Mother." Yukinoshita's steely voice stills my turbulent thoughts. I take a gamble and look up to see her eyes glittering with some irrepressible sentiment.

Mrs Yukinoshita, for the first time that afternoon, has no rejoinder.

"It might be beyond your comprehension, Mother, but Hikigaya-kun is precious to me. I don't plan to terminate this relationship any time soon, unless Hikigaya-kun wishes otherwise. I hate to say this, but I really wonder if you have ever really loved anyone without any utilitarian considerations..."

I let out an inaudible gasp as Mrs Yukinoshita starts violently. Even Haruno Yukinoshita is gaping.

Did she... did she really say that? Utter _that_ word?

Yukinoshita strangely, maddeningly remains oblivious to the implications of her words as I turn ten different shades of red, feeling as if she had just got down on her knees in front of her mother.

The rest of the meeting passes by in a daze.

"Thanks for being more underwhelming than usual, Hikigaya-kun."

"Y-yes... Err... what?"

I am yet to recover from the epiphany so casually delivered by stupid Yukinoshita.

"Are you okay?" She looks genuinely concerned now. "Don't think too much about what she said. She's incorrigible when it comes to the plebeians. Though you are one disappointing, irredeemable cookie," Yukinoshita fondly pulls my ear.

Think about her mother? Why on Earth would I think about that insufferable oligarch when my girlfriend just confessed that she loved me! While being happily unaware of the momentous declaration.

"I-uh-- you know... I- you too", I try in vain to articulate my feelings.

"Stop muttering, Hikigaya-kun. It's pathetic."

I sigh.

The romcom gods have an awful sense of humour.

 _P.S. " **Confessio amantis** " or " **The Lover's Confession** " is the title of a long poem in Middle English written by John Gower._ Reviews _are, as always, greatly appreciated._


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